The past couple weeks have been truly blessed for me. At certain times during these past weeks I've been filled with a certain excitement that's difficult to put into words. I guess that's the way the Spirit works in a subtle, but again not-so-subtle way. There's a certain joy and peace that has overcome me and the anxiety I've been feeling for so long seems to have vanished the more I continue to discern my vocation to the priesthood. It's strange. The second I started thinking about my vocation again and a possible calling from God, that was the time that I somehow stopped worrying about everything in my life and where it was going. It was like a deep sigh of relief was emitted once that thought entered my head.
It's a good feeling that I don't quite want to shake off. My spiritual director was telling me about times of consolation and desolation - I seem to have entered another period of consolation after a long time of desolation. I guess this is a time to charge up courage and prepare, because we have to keep going and sometimes that going is hard.
I feel a strange happiness and joy and lack of worry when I think about entering the seminary. It's strange because a couple years back, I wouldn't have thought about it for even a second and maybe even dreaded the thought. But that's not how I feel now - I feel calm and also a strange exhilaration thinking about it. I wonder if that's the Spirit moving in me again. If God is pushing me towards the seminary, I will definitely go. But I know that at this point, I'm not ready. Not just yet. I feel like there's too much I must address in myself before I can take that next step. But the thought excites me.
I have not felt happiness and joy this intense anywhere but the Eucharist, but in Reconciliation, but in Adoration. I know that still, small voice is pushing me back towards Him. There are still a lot of questions I have yet to ask but somehow, I don't feel worried any more.
I'm just trying to listen to that still, small voice.
