Fearless

It's so easy to enter into an endeavour when we feel we have control over it. If we can feel like everything is planned out, everything is ready, and all obstacles are adjusted for and accounted for, it is actually quite easy to hop right into it. For me, everything has to be this way, it allows me to be comfortable when everything is planned, and everything is organized, and everything is accounted for. I don't like surprises, and if I have do something where there is even a hint of a possibility that I won't be able to expect the outcome or what will happen, I get uncomfortable and tend to back out. For me, being comfortable is something that is so important to me that I pretty much would never do anything uncomfortable.

But that's exactly what the Lord is calling me to do.

The past couple weeks have been a large for me as I discerned possible pathways for the summer. One particular path frightened me greatly, but it seemingly was the path the Lord wanted me to go (of course.)

I think the Lord throws obstacles and choices in my path as a way for me to grow in specific virtues. In particular, in this episode of my life, that virtue happens to be trust. The reason I don't do many things is fear. It's the ultimate fear that I'll be caught off guard, that I'll be called to do something I'm not comfortable with, or to do something that I ultimately would dislike doing. It's the fear of failure, it's the fear of being placed outside of my comfort zone.

But the Lord never intended for us to be comfortable. Pope Benedict XVI said something that still resonates with me always: "The world offers you comfort. But you were not made for comfort, you were made for greatness." Imagine that. It is so easy for me to do the less daunting thing, to do the thing that I will know the result to, that I know what will happen. No surprises. But what would the accomplishment in that be, where would the joy be? How would the world change if we all stayed in our own comfort zones and never dared to enter into a place that would make us even mildly uncomfortable?

To be Christian, to be Catholic: the last thing we want to do is be comfortable. In our comfort zones, we will never reach anyone that the Lord wants to reach. We would never be able to do His work in this world. If we all did that, I don't even think I would have my faith to this day. The Church needs fearless leaders.

I think for me, being fearless means so much more than just not being afraid of anything. Being fearless means letting go of my own reservations, doing the work that I am called to, and letting (more, trusting that) God take control after that. It's action and mentality based on the unwavering trust and love in the Lord that He will indeed provide for us.

It's so hard for me to let go of that control. I'm continually learning to let God take the steering wheel and drive me where he wants me to go. I go into it, and I let God do the rest. I've seen the Holy Spirit move in hearts and I've seen Him do incredible things through normal, ordinary people. I know God can do amazing things and I know he's working and active in my life. Time for me to begin trusting that the God of the Universe knows what He's doing.

Orate pro me, et pro vobis orabo.

The source and summit of our faith

It always fills me with great joy whenever I meet people who have converted to Catholicism. For me, such a decision does not come easily and requires a lot of faith, a lot of commitment, and a lot of courage. As a 'cradle Catholic', I don't think I would have the required amount of courage to make such a decision to turn my life around like this.

The most beautiful thing about converts, in my opinion, is the fact that they have made this decision on their own without any pressure from others or commitments they had to follow. Their Baptism and their Confirmation was a decision that they were drawn to because of their relationship with Jesus and their continuing desire for something more that this world cannot offer. I'm beginning to think that this personal relationship with Jesus is essential for Catholics. Sure, we can learn our theology, our catechesis, and the "what"s of our faith, but until we turn that "what" into a "Who", it isn't really something we will truly cherish.

Throughout my religion classes in high school, I will always remember one particular teacher that always told us cradle Catholics - "you have grown up in a faith given to you by your parents. But what will you do to make this your faith?" Until we answer this question, I don't think we can have the motivation to remain in the faith. The faith will simply be material, "what", learned in religion class and not a lifestyle, not a relationship with a person, a "Who", that makes it valuable and important to us.

I've heard many conversion stories from different people, and there are one of two things I notice that are almost always present in these stories that are told to me. The first: Truth. I think in a way, we all desire to know what's right, what's real, what's true. The Church is beautiful because it offers this Truth. There are no blurry edges and no shadows - to a person looking for Truth, the Catholic Church offers it with her open hands.

The second, perhaps the most important, and the single thing that made my parent's faith my faith, is the Eucharist. It is said that the Eucharist is the Source and the Summit of our faith, and that everything in the Faith points to the Eucharist and in turn branches out and is sent out, from it. I do not think it is a mistake that through Youth Ministry, I was drawn deeper and deeper into an appreciation of the Mass. Evidently, there are still days when I struggle to focus and struggle to appreciate it, but it is me striving to grow in a relationship with Jesus that causes me to continue to be attached to the faith and the Mass.

It is understandable that Mass would appear boring - especially if we do not see the Eucharist as it truly is - the Body of Christ. For me, it is shocking and humbling that Jesus would want to enter into our hearts in such a personal and intimate way - if we are willing to open the door and let Him in.

The past couple months I felt like I have made a lot of progress in turning this faith from something my parents gave me to a faith that is truly mine. Especially important to my growth at this time were two Sacraments: Reconciliation, and of course, the Eucharist. In one, I felt the deep and tender mercy and immense love of a merciful father and in the other, the almighty and powerful God of the universe and all creation enter my heart in the simple, humble form of the host.

There is something shocking and deeply paralyzing in the Eucharist and in Eucharistic Adoration. This past year, I feel a strange peace and satisfying joy in front of the Body of Christ that I have not felt before. It is a simple kind of joy and peace that I cannot and did not find anywhere else before - and it is an experience I know I will never feel anywhere else. Perhaps this is the kind of joy and peace Jesus offers and promises us so much when he tells us to not fear. The simple realization that Jesus is willing to come down into such a humble form in order to dwell with us and within us is mind-blowing and quite awesome. With Jesus with us all the time, truly we can ask ourselves, of whom or what should I fear?

Relationship is so important in the Catholic faith. It's getting ourselves to know not only the "what" - although that Truth is important too - but important to know the "Who" - Jesus Christ.

And that's why I love the Eucharist.

That still, small voice.

The past couple weeks have been truly blessed for me. At certain times during these past weeks I've been filled with a certain excitement that's difficult to put into words. I guess that's the way the Spirit works in a subtle, but again not-so-subtle way. There's a certain joy and peace that has overcome me and the anxiety I've been feeling for so long seems to have vanished the more I continue to discern my vocation to the priesthood. It's strange. The second I started thinking about my vocation again and a possible calling from God, that was the time that I somehow stopped worrying about everything in my life and where it was going. It was like a deep sigh of relief was emitted once that thought entered my head.

It's a good feeling that I don't quite want to shake off. My spiritual director was telling me about times of consolation and desolation - I seem to have entered another period of consolation after a long time of desolation. I guess this is a time to charge up courage and prepare, because we have to keep going and sometimes that going is hard.

I feel a strange happiness and joy and lack of worry when I think about entering the seminary. It's strange because a couple years back, I wouldn't have thought about it for even a second and maybe even dreaded the thought. But that's not how I feel now - I feel calm and also a strange exhilaration thinking about it. I wonder if that's the Spirit moving in me again. If God is pushing me towards the seminary, I will definitely go. But I know that at this point, I'm not ready. Not just yet. I feel like there's too much I must address in myself before I can take that next step. But the thought excites me.

I have not felt happiness and joy this intense anywhere but the Eucharist, but in Reconciliation, but in Adoration. I know that still, small voice is pushing me back towards Him. There are still a lot of questions I have yet to ask but somehow, I don't feel worried any more.

I'm just trying to listen to that still, small voice.